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2007/4/9 May His Peace Rule in My HeartGosh…Couldn’t fall asleep well last night. Somehow I’m a bit emotional recently. I really dislike the feeling that I can’t control myself very well. I used to be a calm person, but when things have accumulated to a degree, I kind of lose my calmness. Each day I pray, may the Lord’s strength be with me. Last night when I was having my quiet time, a verse hit into my eyes – “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts” (Colossians 3:15). This is quite soothing. Church and fellowship life are pretty well, very blessed in a way. To be frank, sometimes my emotion toward ACCCF (Austin Chinese Campus Christian Fellowship) is very complicated and beyond that I can explain. On the one hand I feel very thankful that God placed me here, equipping me and making me to grow in the past three more years, but on the other somehow I began to feel I can’t fully get satisfied here. Especially when you sort of getting realized that some of your critical needs may never get satisfied here, that is actually very discouraging and becomes more terrible when you’re emotionally weak; even more dreadful if that becomes a crack attacked by Satan. I’m not saying I don’t love ACCCF; on the contrary, I still terribly love here and always think that ACCCF is incredible and amazing when thinking of so many wonderful counselors, brothers and sisters and friends here; so many God’s loyal servants are willing to devote themselves and to make a serious commitment here (Compared with some of them, I feel like no matter how much I do is never enough…). Even though sometimes problems emerge, most of the time things still turn out in a very good way after praying together, and we do clearly see God is constantly using this group to bear many beautiful fruits. Deep in my heart, I know that ACCCF will always be my dear family. But I must also honestly face some of my personal inner feelings. I know I need to explore something different and to expand myself. I don’t know what the result will be like but I just want to give a try. Jabez’s prayer “enlarge my territory” is resonating in my heart. I’m like standing in a desert looking around and don’t really know what is the direction. Amazingly, seems like God opens the way for me. Very unexpectedly I feel getting a new family in my church life and getting to know some really nice persons there. The feelings are very different from ACCCF, but I think it’s a wonderful experience for me to establish some genuine cross-cultural friendships and to have very meaningful or funny conversation when interacting with them. The progress of my pre-doctoral research project is a bit slow. I don’t like my emotions influence my progress, but that still happens sometimes. It really needs passion and patience to be a researcher, and needs to have a conviction to believe that what I’m doing is meaningful. My ideal is that I can apply what I’ve learned to people’s real life and to doing ministry. A combination of faith and academia – that’s my ideal. Housing is another issue full of uncertainly right now and getting me a bit annoyed. I’m earnestly seeking and expecting the mercy of confirmation from God for all the uncertainties in my life; I want to discern His voice and to know some things are out of His calling, rather than out of my own desires. I’m also expecting His mercy of helping me deal with some of my struggles and disturbances at the current stage of my life. May His peace rule in my heart… |
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